Insight: Jaybird, Wild Child
by Wrendragongirl
Summary: Jason knew that they should all hate him by now. He almost killed the replaceme-Tim, and tried to kill Dick and Bruce. He just couldn't understand why after all this time, they stilll thought he was worthy of being cared about. He did horrible things and knew it. So WHY? Rated T for self-harming, angst, and language. Mostly angst and language.
1. Chapter 1

"Jason, you really need to calm down."

The boy in question, who had just taken off his red hood helmet, glared at his mentor. It was hard for Bruce to take him seriously, even though his eldest son was being held at gunpoint over a matter as stupid as this.

"NO. I set my foot down here. I agreed to come home. I agreed to visit every once in a while. I agreed to not kill anyone and wear your stupid bat-symbol on my shirt. But this has gone far enough. I will most certainly _not_ go to a therapist."

Dick, who was in a chokehold, coughed. "Come on, Jay-bird, please? I'll make sure Alfie let's you have some cookies..."

Jason shook his head determinedly. "No. I hate therapists. Leslie is as close to one as I'm getting."

"Jay, come on. This is ridiculous. Let Dick go." Bruce tried again, speaking gentler this time. He could see Jason hesitating, his stance loosening for a fraction of a second. Dick realized it, and used the slip to break free of the hold and take the gun.

"Come on… Lets go." His older brother said soothingly, somehow managing to calm down Jason enough to get him up the stairs and into a car peacefully. Jason pouted and looked at his adoptive father and older brother with a look that would have worked if he had been seven. They ignored it.

* * *

Jason looked at the book in disgust.

"Ok, I can stand the therapy. But this? No. I refuse to write my feelings down in a book like a silly hormonal teenage girl." Barbara looked up from the Batcomputer, glaring, Cassandra looking like she agreed with her mentor.

"Care to repeat that comment?" She snarled, turning in her wheelchair. "Because as a 'teenaged girl, I don't recall ever writing my feelings down in a book."

Jason gulped, retracting his statement and quickly leaving the Batcave. He wished that he hadn't let Dick drag him into the stupid therapy.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Jason's Journal Entry 1: 3 March**_

What if I had listened to you,

If I had heard the words you said?

Maybe today would be different,

Maybe I wouldn't be dead.

What If my mother were still alive,

If through the drugs she had survived?

Maybe today would be different,

Maybe I wouldn't have died.

What if my brother had stayed,

If he promised he would not leave?

Maybe today could be different,

Maybe I _wouldn't _be a rage-filled maniac killing drug dealers and murderers.

But everyone seems to doubt it.

(To tell the truth, so do I)

What if Joker hadn't killed me

What if Bruce didn't find me

What if Dick had talked to me

What if the bomb stopped ticking

In another world, a life awaits

One in which there is no taint

One in which I did survive

One in which I am alive

Where crime is nonexistient and Batman died with Thomas Wayne

Where my mother isn't a drug addict and I'm completely sane.

Although, that probably is something I should be worried about. After all, I've been there. It was the world of a perfectionist, a world in which nothing bad ever happened. It was so peaceful it was a nightmare; and I wished I was still dead. That was right before I realized I still was.

Death was hurtful, surprisingly. It ripped at your essence, your soul, it made you feel anger and hate for the ones you should love. You start blaming people for your death, making it someone's fault who was never involved and who you should have listened to, someone who was your shoulder to lean on and who forgave everything hurtful you ever said and did.

Death made you turn your back on that. It makes you think about every bad thing that ever happened, every mistake ever made, and turns it into a world in which that stuff doesn't happen. It throws everything wrong that you wish hadn't happened and throws it in your face. A world in which everyone has loving parents, the love of your life doesn't die after you get engaged, and the city is beautiful and sparkly and clean. And it just feels so goddamned wrong. Whoever designed death sure was sadistic.

I can't believe Dick ever convinced me to write in this stupid diary. He says it's a journal, but Tim is going to walk into the room sometime and ask me why I'm writing in it. He'll call it a diary and start irritating me like always. I hate Tim. I hate everyone. I hate life. I hate Bruce and his stupid Bats and all his stupid ideals! They're all so goddamed naive and stupid. At least Damian understands why I kill. He isn't afraid of blood.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Hey, peoples! Happy Batman day!_**

**_Today is Batman's 75th birthday, so I am starting a storyline in his honor! The first chaper will be posted today before midnight. _**

**_The next chapter for this story is the last one, just warning you. Then I'll be updating 'Innocently Blue' for a while before I get started on Tim's insight. _**

**_This poem was inspired by "Until the End"._**

* * *

**19, March; Jason's Journal**

This was the beginning of the end

They keep reminding me I've sinned

I live to die another day

or until I fade away

Its way too easy

to fall apart completely

I know this life would come to end

so let my new one begin

I lost my way

so maybe this is a new day

a new dawn

which is why I keep going on

Why give up

why give in

its not enough

it never is

Though this final fight I'll win.

Why do I keep writing poems? I hate poetry. It's so lame. I feel so lost and confused and I can't find words to say it in. Maybe this is good for me. Maybe Golden Bird was right for once. Grrrr, I hate it when he's right.

That doesn't make me any less mad at him for not just telling me to write down my thoughts. He made me go to therapy. I hate therapists. If you write down the word 'therapists' and split it in two, guess what it spells? 'The rapists'. If anything, it proves my point! Hmph. They all suck.

Dick keeps telling me to loosen up a little. He even tried bribing me with blackmail for The Replacement. I told him that this is as loose as I get and the fact that he tried giving me blackmail for anyone is blackmail against him. I'm glad that I got that on tape.

Damian showed me the parody of that stupid frozen song, "Do you want to hide a body". The parody was wonderful! why couldn't the entire movie be like that? Dick made me sit through it, and it was so boring! Elsa didn't even get a little killed when the ice chandelier fell on her. There wasn't any blood, zero dead people, and Hans didn't even get sent to rot in a dungeon!

Although, I can say that giving him to his brothers was pretty vindictive. Only one who has been through that type of torture can truly understand how evil that idea was. He'll now die of boring lectures, annoying brothers, and overprotective parents.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hey peoples, whats up? I updated Demon Bird, Devil Child and I hope you like it! _**

**_Here is the next chapter to Jason's Insight, and I hope you enjoy! By the way, if I said anything about 'last couple chapters' or something, ignore it. Any of the Insight stories are now officially only updated when I have time and/or inspiration. _**

**_Thank all of you wonderful readers for the many reviews! I've gotten more on this story than any other. _**

* * *

Jason's first hint something was wrong was when he heard giggles coming from his room in the Manor. The door was always locked and people should know not to go in there. It was Jason's room, after all.

His second sign was when the Replacement gave him a _look_ as he passed him in the hallway and said, "I told them it was a bad idea."

It was only natural to charge into his room full force with guns in his hands. Dick and demon child whirled their heads around to stare guiltily at the figure in the doorway. Jason assumed they were reading the stupid, idiotic journal.

"OUT!" He roared.

"Jaybird, how could you?" Dick questioned, looking wounded. Even as an adult, he still pulled off the magical puppy eyes.

"…What?" Jason tried not to be too surprised.

"You kept this much blackmail about Bruce away from us?" Oh. He was talking about the photo albums as Bruce as a baby, sitting in a bathtub and the like. So they weren't looking at the journal.

"You have a journal, Todd? That is hilarious!" Devil child tilted his head back and cackled before Jay even realized he was talking aloud.

"Damian, shut up! I'm trying to concentrate!" Tim banged on the wall from his room, attempting to silence the laughter of his siblings. Failing, he exited his own room and entered the next one over, leaning in the doorway.

"Drake, did you know that Todd has a diary?" Jason winced and expected the Replacement to begin laughing too.

"Yep. I also know for a fact that you do too. Shut up and quit making fun of the one who faced hell and came back alive." Jay wasn't expecting that. It was so blunt and to the point…

He stood up and put an arm around his little brother.

"You're gonna go places, kid."


	5. Chapter 5

_Hey dad look at me_

_Think back and talk to me_

_Did I grow up according to plan?_

_And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?_

_But it hurts when you disapprove all along_

"You killed him! I thought we agreed there would be no deaths!"

Jason stared angrily back into Bruce's eyes.

"It was that thug or the Replacement." Icily calm, like a storm ready to start thundering. "There was no other way."

"There is always another way!" He turned and walked away.

"I'm sorry, alright?" Jason yelled at Bruce's back.

The feeling of disapproval radiated around the room. Tim didn't comment, and Dick just looked at his feet.

"Anyone else want to yell at me?" Jason asked the silent cave. No one replied, so he grabbed his helmet, got on his bike, and drove away.

_And now I try hard to make it_

_I just wanna make you proud_

_I'm never gonna be good enough for you_

Jason had to admit that by saving the Replacement he hoped he would get Bruce's approval again. But in the heat of the moment, he hit too hard. He hadn't even meant for the man to die.

_Can't pretend that I'm alright_

_And you can't change me_

Well, if Bruce couldn't accept him, then he didn't deserve Jason's respect. Nothing would change him. Not even his mentor. But the turmoil inside didn't accept that.

_'Cause we lost it all_

_Nothing lasts forever_

_I'm sorry,_

_I can't be perfect_

_Now it's just too late and_

_We can't go back_

_I'm sorry,_

_I can't be perfect_

Fuck them all.

'Slam!'

He shouldn't have saved the Replacement.

'Bang!'

He hated life.

Jason looked around him. All the goons were down. And he realized that he hadn't killed a single one. All of them still breathed.

And suddenly, it was all so pointless. There was no reason to continue living. None at all. The knife in his hand drew closer to his wrist, slowly, achingly. But he dropped it before it got there, and banged his head against a wall instead.

_I try not to think_

_About the pain I feel inside_

_Did you know you used to be my hero?_

Bruce was his hero. The Batman had saved him from living on the streets. But he had let him die. He had let the Joker live. Why? Why was he not good enough?

_All the days you spent with me_

_Now seem so far away_

_And it feels like you don't care anymore_

Bruce was cold and collected as he paced the study. Jason leaned against the doorframe, waiting for the yelling to commence. But there was no yelling. He just handed Jason a sheet of paper and left.

Jason didn't look at it before throwing it into a waste paper basket on his way out.

_And now I try hard to make it_

_I just wanna make you proud_

_I'm never gonna be good enough for you_

_I can't stand another fight_

_And nothing's alright_

He didn't want to fight. Not anymore. The knife started inching towards his wrist again, and he couldn't stop it. Not this time.

If he were honest with himself... He didn't really want too, either.

_'Cause we lost it all_

_Nothing lasts forever_

_I'm sorry_

_I can't be perfect_

_Now it's just too late and_

_We can't go back_

_I'm sorry_

_I can't be perfect_

Bruce panicked when, as Red Hood, Jason was found passed out in an alley. He got the call from Commissioner Gordon at twelve at night.

Luckily they managed to keep it secret.

They found the knife in his hand, and the cuts on his arm, and Batman completely lost it. That was the only time Gordon was clueless on what to do. Luckily Nightwing showed up.

_Nothing's gonna change the things that you said_

_Nothing's gonna make this right again (right again)_

_Please don't turn your back_

When Jason woke up to the beeping of heart monitors, he internally groaned. He hated hospitals.

And then he saw Batman looking at him, sitting in a chair by the bed.

"You can say it. I'm a stupid idiot to throw my life away like that. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have gone on patrol. I should have talked to you, or golden bird. Well, Fuck it! I'm tired of this, B."

Batman turned his head slightly. No reaction. No nothing.

"Yell, shout, anything!" Jason half-screamed, half-laughed. And then, almost to quiet to hear, "… Please don't turn your back again."

_I can't believe it's hard_

_Just to talk to you_

_But you don't understand (you don't understand)_

And maybe Bruce didn't understand, or he didn't hear, because he just sat there. No reaction. Jason almost started crying.

And then the last thing he expected. Batman _hugged_ him.

"You died. Again. Don't ever worry me like that, ever." B murmured into Jason's ear. "And I mean it," he warned, and the tightness in his voice said everything not in words.

_'Cause we lost it all_

_Nothing lasts forever_

_I'm sorry_

_I can't be perfect_

_Now it's just too late and we can't go back_

_I'm sorry_

_I can't be perfect_

But really, there was no reason to apologize. And Jason knew that now.


	6. Chapter 6

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Yeah. Whatever genius who said that didn't think it through.

Sometimes he thinks they have the saying wrong. It really should be "Where there's a way, there's a will" because he figures he's encounters a lot of crazy shit. If it's possible, someone will find a way to pull it off.

Like people peeling faces off. Or a gas that makes you drop dead laughing (There is a reason Gothamites are very literal, after all). Jason thinks he's encountered everything by now.

There have been people coming back from the dead, Bruce traveling through time, zombies, inter-dimensional portals to the equivalent of hell, mutant snot, killer aliens, killer alien robots, normal killer robots, clones, magicians, friendly aliens that are scientific miracles, islands of secret amazons who worship gods that actually exist, invisible planes, martians, speedsters, cryogenic accidents, and madmen. A lot of madmen. Jason should know; he was killed by one.

The other guy, the one that said "anything that can go wrong will go wrong". Or maybe that was Bruce when he was in one of his more frustrated moods, and it was "anything that will go right", twisted to make the rest of the house darker.

Yeah. The latter was probably correct.

Except this was new.

There was an exploding donkey, magicians from another dimension, and two very grumpy, mostly alive kryptonians who were too afraid to yell at Jason and Daimian themselves. Not to even get started on Bruce, Dick, and Alfred all yelling for rigging that totally amazing prank in the watchtower on Superman.

(Though, seriously, Jason is now officially going to ask the repla- Tim, to marry him. Even though he kinda hates the guy, that was the best idea Jason has ever heard. Which is saying a lot, because most of his own ideas are pretty amazing, if he says so himself.)

Alfred and Bruce were giving Jason and Damian a lecture on pranking and someone could have gotten hurt and what if **insert dangerous situation here** happened. Jason heard it all before, so he tuned out and nodded in apropriate moments.

And then a Donkey appeared out of nowhere. For a minute everyone just stared at it, and the realization that the animal was beeping sunk in very slowly.

"This was unexpected." Demon bird was making the face, where he wants to coo over something but doesn't want to reveal weakness.

"I have to say I agree with Master Damian-" Alfred starts.

And the Donkey exploded. There was another second of silence in which Jason got over the disgustingness of dead animal guts enough to silently laught at the Demon's face, which was horrified. Dick looked like he agreed with Damian.

It took like, a minute for the yelling to start again, and then stop when 'a swirly-vortex-thingy-of-doom' appeared and two heads to pop out.

A blonde girl with purple highlights and wearing linen pajamas and combat boots tumbled through the sandy opening.

"Well. Sorry about Fred," She said cheerfully, not sounding very sorry at all. Jason noted her very faint brittish acccent, like she had lived there for most of her life then moved away.

A black kid with a sword on his back stepped out behind her. He wore exactly the same thing, but with slippers on his feet.

"Sadieee," He dragged out the 'ie' in complaint, "I thought we decided not to jump through the portal. Like, three seconds ago. When we were talking to Walt." He shoots her a meaningful glare that has no effect.

"Too bad, Carter. Now quit whining so I can open this bloody portal again." Yeah, definitely brittish, Jason thinks.

Carter just notices the people covered in Fred the Donkey guts.

"Oh. Sorry about Fred, he was a little volatile. He'll reform in an hour." Bruce looked like he swallowed a fish, which, addmittedly, was fucking hilarious. By the time he finally overcomes the shock of being sprayed by ass intestines (heh), Sadie has opened up another sandy-portal-vortex and the two kids are gone without so much as a goodbye.

"…I am so doing more research on the multiverse," Bruce groans before Alfred reenters the kitchen, magically holding mops and brooms and all sorts of cleaning sprays and tools that Jason didn't know existed and honestly never wanted to. Fuck, where did Alfred even mops from that quickly? The broom closests are all empty.

Jason decides, very wisely, that he doesn't want to know. At all. Because afterwards, he follows the butler to see where those stupid shitty sponges end up, and looses track of him as soon as they leave the kitchen.

Although, he hopes the donkey does actually reform. He'll use it on the repla-Tim. Or on Superman again.


	7. Chapter 7

Jason's Journal- March 30th

What am I doing anymore

I have my ways to shut the door

This can't be the only thing I've ever known

But for some reason I can't stop being alone

They want to love me but the world is full of hate

And I just can't understand

if they let me die then why even try

They want me back and I can't understand why

I've done horrible things so why don't they hate me yet

(the rest of the world does)

It is now just me, no you

In a cold, bare, empty room

And what am I still dying for

I thought that I quit fighting this war

But I look around me and I realise I own nothing

Nothing but dust, just dust

Just dust and all this greasy gold

And this is where I'll grow old

I feel around me and the crimson crime scenes

There's no victim left to see

Because I destroyed the emotional part long ago

I never thought I'd stoop so low

but there's a sea of bodies behind me and I kinda regret

but not for real

I don't think I can feel

And all I own is this dust and gold,

With its own greasy sheen

And all I see are kings and theives

On the floors there's all this mold

And If I'm not numb than it's freezing cold

Kings and theives

That gold and the blood causing its sheen

All the dust and dirt and mold

I feel so cold

And I don't know which one I am

But I want someone to rescue me

(Or maybe I wanna die alone, who knows)


	8. Chapter 8

All he could ever do was fall. Falling from planes, falling down stairs, falling out of bed, falling and tripping on concrete, and falling to his knees when it was too hard to go on.

That was his entire life.

So maybe it wasn't Bruce's fault. Maybe he was too weak, too cowardly... Or maybe too afraid to stand up after a particularly rough meeting face to floor. If he stayed down forever, he would never fall again.

But the way Dick put it, it wasn't the falling you should be worried about. It was the landing. And Jason had never learned how to evenly distribute shock or roll out of a landing. So he fell, again and again, but this time he was prepared.

This time he knew how to avoid the pain so he'd have the strength to get back up.


End file.
